Death, for the medical profession, to which I consequently belong to, is the cessation of the bodily processes, a phenomenon wherein the heart stops beating, and the brain can no longer fulfill its various functions which are deemed vital for one's survival. This marks the onset of bereavement among those who have survived him.
Losing a loved one is definitely one of the downsides of humanity. Isn't it painful to be detached to someone you hold so important, and somehow had played a vital role in your life? As rational beings, created by God in His image and likeness, we are capable of forming emotional bonds/attachment within each other, thus making separation a lot more unbearable, with the pain a lot worse than the pain of a mother in labor, or having your fragile body being sliced for operation without a working anesthesia. No amount of anesthetic products can numb the pain of a bereaved. But as the cliche goes, 'Time heals all wounds'. We will eventually be able to get through this over time.In God's perfect time.
Death is a particular topic that almost all of us would not want to talk about. We may feel it is morbid to think about death, but actually it's unhealthy to live in denial of death and not consider what is inevitable.
But death, rather the end, is just the beginning of life- in eternity. As St. Francis of Assisi has preached, 'It is in dying that we are born again to eternal life'. This life is not all there is. Life is just a temporary assignment. Life on Earth is just the dress rehearsal before the real production. It is the practice workout before the actual game, the warm up lap before the race begins.
Tonight, we are all gathered here to collectively relive the memories of our fallen brother in faith, Jesus 'Jessie' Regala. In this particular moment of unprecedented grief, let us all savor the memories that we've had with him, and willingly set aside our differences so that we may be able to attain sublime peace and tranquility deep within the walls of our dolorous hearts. We may not be able to again see his soulful eyes gleam before us, or his comely smile greeting us with great hope, his reminiscences will remain as lucid as the shine of the brightest star God has ever made. One day, we will all be reunited again with him and will share together the paradise that God had promised to believers. But please, not too soon...
*This was my introductory speech during the Necrological Service/Eulogy conducted on the night of February 25, 2012, the day before my grandfather was about to be buried.
JESUS 'JESSIE' FLORES REGALA OCTOBER 9, 1935-JANUARY 30, 2012
Around this time of the month,
lovers will probably be on their toes preparing for the upcoming Valentine’s day. Almost
all magazines of different varieties will be brandishing teasers like ‘How to
memorably spend your V-day with him/her’ in gleaming bright letters, framing a
photo of a happy couple romantically looking at each other. When I was in
High school and College, it has been a common sight during this occasion to see
a parade of brightly colored flowers, humongous and fluffy stuffed toys and
interestingly shaped balloons on campus grounds. Sweeps of women carrying large
bouquets of flowers wrapped in strong shades of red and pink paper would be
marching on their classes, carefully cradling the love presents in their arms,
like holding fragile items of wilting value. Men would most of the time, be the
equally proud bearers of such objects, because they either view it as a solid
pronouncement of their affection, or it just shows how much moolah they can splurge on such fancies.
Valentine’s day is truly a season wherein everything seems to be painted in
red.
While a number of those people
who are single treat Feb 14 as synonymous to judgment day or doomsday, I myself
seem to be unfazed by it. You can never catch me lamenting over the ‘misfortune’
of having a zero love life, specifically during this time of the year. I never felt so sorry for myself, nor did I ever cast envious glances at lovers
whom I occasionally see caressing each other in a corner, and as if mentally
telling them the phrases ‘don’t patronize me! I’m happy being single’. Matters
like these were often cold-shouldered by me.
Over the years, I have
experienced the perks of being single. I’ve gotten the chance to focus more on
myself and appreciate my freedom to simply do what I wish. I have exercised the
sheer authority to put every aspect of my life in their proper perspectives.
Spending my time in solitude actually allowed me to accept, appreciate and love
myself more. I may sound like a self-absorbed individual, but I can’t deny the sublime
wonders it has brought into my life.
In a sense, I have bought my
autonomy with a good amount of loneliness. And there, I think, is where the
paradox lies.
This odd feeling has come over
me, as if I have been suspended in midair, with no way to gain purchase on the
ground far below. It has taken its toll already, consuming a huge proportion of
my existence. Years of feigning happiness has remarkably devoured my self
worth. Deriving genuine happiness from isolation is an oxymoron.
It all boils down to a single
question- when will I ever let myself love and be loved again? I certainly
cannot answer it right know. The tragic memories of the past were as lucid as the
smell of my coffee sitting idly here on my table.
As I think about it, a stifling
panic strikes me with a realization of my greatest fear – that is if I could
ever take the pain of having my heart broken for the same damn reason.
I woke up this morning feeling
quite uneasy. While still lying in my bed, and having the sun’s rays to pry my
eyes open, I let my gaze wander around the four-corners of my room, hoping that
I may be able to forage whatever is bothering my senses. Unexpectedly, I have
realized that there are so many unnecessary stuff littered in every corner of
my room, stuff that are rarely in use and almost to the point of being futile. They
had created a feeling of uncomfortableness and brutally speaking, had become
some sort of an eyesore. My room has been a mess for quite some time now. I was
often busy, too busy to even mind the stuff piling up where they shouldn’t be.
They have been lying idle in a corner for a long period of time, thus a
considerable amount of dust had already shrouded their surfaces.
It has dawned on me- My room
needed a major clean-up. I badly wanted to get rid of these unnecessary stuff
to allow the much needed space for some additional things that might be piling
up in the coming months or even years, considering the fact that I am about to enter MedSchool
in a few months time. And basically through this, I might be able to save my
room from becoming a complete disaster.
So I started the tedious task
right after having my breakfast. I started with the endless stacks of folders containing
myriad handouts/test papers on Nursing. I opened each folder, and pored over
their contents one by one, contemplating if they are worthy of keeping. Every
single item had their share of stories, all capable of invoking a flood of happy
memories, which greatly reminded me of my glory days, and also a fair share of
the bad ones. I felt mixed up with all of the emotions running through my veins.
And after those hours of musing, I finally decided to throw everything I deemed unimportant and useless into the
garbage bag.
For a person with an
Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder like me, (Clinically undiagnosed, but
I’m sure as hell I do have this one), throwing away things you once considered your prized possessions is a very emotional job. I have learned that
on our Psychiatric Nursing class way back in college. An OCPD-stricken person
tends to dismiss the idea of discarding things he had held important, even
though these may not be of use to him anymore. They are becoming very sentimental
over these things. An individual with OCPD often has this fear that by putting
the things away, he is also throwing with them the memories and the lessons they
once taught him.
But with the earnest desire to
keep everything in order, and also having an unfathomable amount of courage, I’ve
succeeded in eliminating all of the unnecessary clutter inside my room. The job was not a piece of cake.
Aside from the physical effort it demanded, it was the roller-coaster ride of
emotions that made it a lot harder for me.
It seems that our emotions suffer
that phenomenon too. Sometimes, we tend to keep a number of painful memories at
the back of our minds, in the hope it would make us all bolder beings as we go
along with our lives. But little do we know that they are also the same reason
why we seem to have some difficulties in moving forward. Our bitterness makes
us too heavy to soar above the puddle of mud we wallow in. Until we realize
that there is something wrong about being overly nostalgic, we remain stunted.
Sometimes, we get too caught up
in our past that it clouds our view for the present and the future. We take our
failures, pain and grudges far longer that we should. There might be nothing
too wrong with that, except when being overly nostalgic about the past prevents
us from allotting the needed space for the things that are significant for what
is present.
So lighten up. Emancipate. Unload
everything you find so unnecessary in your life. I know it's easier said than done, but maybe we could try to forget the pain,and instead just remember to keep the lessons to heart. I guess it wouldn't hurt to have a mindset, regardless of our age, that we have a lifetime ahead of us to live. As such, we need to free as much space there is to accommodate all the 'stuff' that is to come and get rid of all the unnecessary clutter.
"If anyone should serve me, let him follow me, where I
am, there will my servant be"
John 12:26
Our Grandfather (Ingkong), Jessie Regala, peacefully joined his Maker at 1:30
am (Las Vegas Time) on January 30,2012.
You, together with the wonderful memories we've shared, will always have a special place in our hearts. May you find eternal peace in the arms of our Creator.
It has been nearly four months
since I stopped being a volunteer nurse at MTCMC. From then on, I’ve been a professional tambay (as others would
coin it). Every waking hour of my life would mean a mundane cycle of
superficial things, from flipping through the newspaper, poring over nerve
racking books of some varieties, surfing the net aimlessly and other stupid
whatnots known to man. Life is driving me nuts out of its sheer monotony. I
really am so bored. I need to get a life besides existing. And sometimes, it is
as if I’m virtually compelled to carry out every household chore, just to regard
myself as a productive member of the household. And I have nothing against this
one. I understand that everyone has some more important matters to attend to, and
I, having a loathsome attitude toward this would probably not be the best thing that I could possibly be proud of having.
I slowly am about to border the dreadful
aftermaths of this sheer boredom. Roughly four months before the next school
year to commence, and hear I am, patiently counting the days before that treasured
date. Those days seem to run out at a snail’s pace, and as slowly as the sand
slipping through the narrow center of an hourglass. The ticking of the clock
has gone wild. The interminable wait suffocates me.
So instead of letting the time
pass me by unnoticed, here I am typing away these things in my mind. It is
somewhat a constructive way of wasting someone’s time (So much for the
justification).
And may I add. All great things to those who wait. So I’ll
be patiently waiting.
Disclaimer.
If I will critique my own
writing, I would say it is always too long, too wordy, and devoid of humor. It’s
as if my words/sentences were lifted up from a textbook. Well,
change starts from seeing what’s wrong (Plus I couldn’t seem to write in a
conversational manner) - see? My usage of ‘conversational manner’ proves my
point. I will do something about it, and believe me when I say, I’m a work in
progress! Haha The manner to which I have constructed my words may not be grammatically perfect, but please, fervently excuse this
fool. Writing has never been my cup of tea. I am rather good at some aspects concerning academics, but really not in writing. Well basically, I’ve been thinking
that by making blog posts, I can improve my command of the English language,
and perhaps, speech in general. I can pull this thing off, trust me! :)
Enough of this colloquy. I’m
starving now. Famished. And considering cannibalism as of the moment! Lol just
kidding.
I just celebrated my 21st birthday yesterday, and I don't feel a day older. I guess birthdays don't really get to make you feel old. Experience does. I think the last time I felt to have gotten a year older was when I took the Nurse Licensure Exams. After months of sleepless nights and torture of all sorts, I felt like being out of my old skin. I felt different, certainly far from being a perplexed and overly sensitive teenager. I think what made my birthday slightly tangible was the outpouring of people who greeted me their happy birthdays. Even people I was no longer in touch with were sending me their greetings.
Recently, I have been very vocal
about our family experiencing problems of different magnitudes, and health
issues concerning our Lolo being the most disturbing of them all. But we
guessed we desperately needed a break so as to lighten up our loads and somehow
be recharged, and my birthday was indeed the perfect time to break free.
I started my big day by hearing
the 8 am mass with my family. I thought this was the perfect way to start the
day. I believed that through this, I would be given the chance to personally
thank Him for He has given me another year to fulfill my purpose and be with
the people I dearly love.
My family and I decided to spend
the rest of the day in Subic. Aside from the fact that the place was just a
stone's throw from ours, Subic is indeed a magnificent place whenever you feel
like strolling and wanting some affordable forms of relaxation, and perhaps,
needless to say, being able to enjoy the wonders of nature, free of charge.
We chanced to see the beautiful
sunset by the bay. Seeing the timid sun as it disappeared from behind the
mountains gave me a sense of tranquility and peace. Letting the gentle sea breeze
freely penetrate my nose was so liberating. While I was observing astonishing waves roll
onto the shores, the subtle memories that I have stored at the back of my mind
in my 21 years of existence suddenly flashed before my eyes. And for the first
time in my life, I felt like crying. People know I don’t usually cry, and I can
poster up a calm demeanor in the face of heart wrenching situations. Many
believe that I am this strong hold that wouldn’t budge (Or so I think). But the
moment these memories seemed to be touching my sensitive core, tears just
welled up on my eyes, and I was badly trying my very best not to let the
tears stream down on my cheeks. Pent up tension was rushing from my body, like
a tide bursting open from a dam. The picturesque scene overlooking the wonders
of the Earth was indeed more than enough to turn an emotional wreck into
maudlinness. I haven’t yet experienced anything that is comparable.
It has dawned on me that life is
really not unfair after all. And all of
my reservations were suddenly proven futile. Life has reminded me to be more
thankful and appreciative of what I have and not whine about the things that I
don’t/couldn’t possibly have. Life is indeed full of trickery, and it is up to
you on how you would deal with them.
Thanks for the unconditional love.
Me and my ever-loving mom.
We ate at Gerry's Grill. And yes, the food made us all ecstatic.
Then agreed to have some bottles of alcohol at 17th Avenue, Northwalk I.
And to formally end the night, we all headed to Starbucks SM Pamp to have some doses of caffeine that could help us all sober up. So much for being Starbucks fiends.
We were home at exactly 12 am. I really had a blast, and true enough, it is one of the most memorable birthdays I've ever had. I am loved. And blessed.
Most of the people around me know
that I am a certified music aficionado. I just can’t live without music. You won’t see me
going out without my iPod and earphones in my pocket. It brings meaning to my
boringly usual life. Aside from my peculiar inclination to music, it is my
ability to sing that gives it an extra flavor. Singing has been my outward
expression of letting things emancipate from within me whenever I find spoken
words too limited. It has been my refuge whenever I’m at my most vulnerable; My
source of hope whenever I feel so despondent; and my cohort whenever I feel
extremely alone.
One thing I love about music is
its ability to invoke memories. It may not be so much of being mushy and overly
nostalgic, but a simple demonstration of how our brain associates information
so that recollections are like chains strongly wrap around each other- thus
securing the integrity of our long-term memories, is something that makes it
more sensible.
I’m quite sure many of us have
had the experience of childhood memories flashing before our eyes whenever we chance
to hear Ghost Fighter’s opening song, or more commonly, lovers lamenting over
foiled promises of eternity upon hearing love songs, which even by their
perfect symphonies could induce a flood of both happy and painful memories.
Music has a way of returning us to the past. I think in a way or two, human
beings are predisposed to be sentimental creatures. Although we may not be fond
of revisiting long forgotten experiences, our brain always presents the
forceful opportunity to do so.
So to further hit home with the
point of being nostalgic, and mushy at that, here is the song which greatly
reminds me of my most bittersweet memory to date- Falling in love for the first
time and eventually having my heart blown into pieces in the end.
"Set Fire To The Rain"
I let it fall, my
heart,
And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me
My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet
But there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you'd play
You would always win, always win.
[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!
When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing is better
'Cause there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you'd say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you'd play
You would always win, always win.
[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!
I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt something die
'Cause I knew that there was the last time, the last time!
Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you.
[Chorus:]
I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt something die
'Cause I knew that there was the last time, the last time, oh, oh!
Let it burn
Oh oh ohhhh
Let it burn
Oh oh ohhhh
Let it burn
Oh oh ohhhh
Set Fire to the Rain is the third
single of the British Singer/Songwriter Adele ripped from her sophomore album 21. The song
vividly describes the contradictory elements of a relationship and the
impossibility of letting go. It could easily be depicted on the lyrics of the
song, for example, in the lines ‘Even now when we’re already over, I can’t help
myself from looking for you’ and ‘I set fire to the rain, and I threw us into
the flames’.
The way I understand the song, it
talks about abruptly ending something bad, something that you should have done
a long time ago and then finally just pulling all your cards off the table and
taking the power back to yourself. Ultimately, the song is a very
emotional one because it's about how, despite her personal weaknesses in a
relationship, and the power someone has/had over her, she was able to recognize
that he was bad for her and was, ultimately, able to "set fire to"
what was between them, burn it down, and push him out of her life for good.
This is some sort of a liberating song.
Having the courage to detach from something you hold important, but at the same
time, destructive for you is undoubtedly a long row to hoe. With well-crafted lyrics and
Adele’s magnificent voice and mourning vocals, the song truly became a
masterpiece, and at the same time, a panacea to those who were experiencing the
similar dilemma.
Set Fire to the Rain for me is so
personal, and honestly there was a time that I really thought Adele had intentionally written
this song for me. I have been in the same situation, wherein I deeply fell in
love to someone whom I found so undeserving of my loving in the end. Getting rid of my love for this person was terribly hard, as hard as setting fire in the middle of a rainstorm, or lighting a candle over gushes of strong winds. The
gnawing pain after the breakup has tormented me for months. I really thought I
will not be able to escape such infinite hole of despair, but thanks to Adele’s
album 21 (esp. track no.5). It really helped me hurdle such difficult tragedy.
But having experienced such a downfall, I began having reservations about forming an intimate relationship with somebody. The pain that I have experienced has dulled my heart. I had this epiphany that love is not worth the tears. I know it is not normal to feel this way, but I believe shooing love away as of the moment will enable me to appreciate much greater things that life has to offer.
"Even now when we're already over, I can't help myself from looking for you"
