Just barely 21 years old.

There is something with the cool air blowing on my direction which reminds me of so much things that I need to reflect on. As I walk barefooted, with my head gazed down, watching my feet take turns on hitting the ground, I suddenly had that certain tinge that hit my well being. I know this uncertainty may be viewed by others as some sort of existential crisis. This uncaring facade may be due to an unfathomable emptiness that I have been feeling as of the moment. And I constantly question Him why I do get it everytime. I wonder if people also brush upon the same feelings.

To start the new year with a positive outlook in life has been a common objective to everyone. But how can you do such if you are constantly being reminded by a lot of awkward/failed decisions that you have inadvertently committed during the past, that somehow had created a vacuum of unexplainable angst and feelings of futility? 

I am barely 21 years old. and yet I feel greatly jaded, confused and disillusioned. Almost a year and a half after graduation, I am standing before a blank wall, staring at nothingness. I feel like a movie character interminably walking on an endless road, slowly disappearing as the camera pans upward to the sky. Only in that part, the closing credits roll in, and you know the character lives a happily-ever after. Real life doesn't give you that privilege, you walk along until fate decides to throw you another plot.

I believe my premature weariness stems from not knowing how to get my act together so that I may fulfill all my dreams. I want to be a doctor, a writer, and a humanitarian. Life is full of trade offs, but I don't think I would be willing to compromise the things that lend my life its meaning. Wanting nothing is pitiful, but wanting too many things is vexation to the spirit.

As most of the middle aged people have the habit of reminding you how young you still are, or 'ang bata mo pa' in lingua franca, followed by the hopeful litany of the things you are yet to accomplish, you tread on this false sense of security that great opportunities still lie ahead. But, what if there are none? What if you are to be cemented to your perpetual confusion? And your life will be spent wondering on what lies on the other side of the fence? A lifetime of regret scares me.

I know that my life is about to tread a certain direction, to which I still am not certain of what really it is as of the time being. I believe their is still a lot in store for me in the coming years. I am bound to make each dream of mine a reality, into existence. My life has never been considered a waste. But, what really pains me is that my direction in life is a mere pencil sketch that gets to be changed every so often by present influences. I'm taking my chances, and I will remain undaunted even at the face of many failures. I won't take this blind leap of faith to a test, but I will staunchly believe that things would turn out exactly the way I want them to be. xx