Unloading Unnecessary Clutter

I woke up this morning feeling quite uneasy. While still lying in my bed, and having the sun’s rays to pry my eyes open, I let my gaze wander around the four-corners of my room, hoping that I may be able to forage whatever is bothering my senses. Unexpectedly, I have realized that there are so many unnecessary stuff littered in every corner of my room, stuff that are rarely in use and almost to the point of being futile. They had created a feeling of uncomfortableness and brutally speaking, had become some sort of an eyesore. My room has been a mess for quite some time now. I was often busy, too busy to even mind the stuff piling up where they shouldn’t be. They have been lying idle in a corner for a long period of time, thus a considerable amount of dust had already shrouded their surfaces.

It has dawned on me- My room needed a major clean-up. I badly wanted to get rid of these unnecessary stuff to allow the much needed space for some additional things that might be piling up in the coming months or even years, considering the fact that I am about to enter MedSchool in a few months time. And basically through this, I might be able to save my room from becoming a complete disaster.

So I started the tedious task right after having my breakfast. I started with the endless stacks of folders containing myriad handouts/test papers on Nursing. I opened each folder, and pored over their contents one by one, contemplating if they are worthy of keeping. Every single item had their share of stories, all capable of invoking a flood of happy memories, which greatly reminded me of my glory days, and also a fair share of the bad ones. I felt mixed up with all of the emotions running through my veins. And after those hours of musing, I finally decided to throw everything I deemed unimportant and useless into the garbage bag.

For a person with an Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder like me, (Clinically undiagnosed, but I’m sure as hell I do have this one), throwing away things you once considered your prized possessions is a very emotional job. I have learned that on our Psychiatric Nursing class way back in college. An OCPD-stricken person tends to dismiss the idea of discarding things he had held important, even though these may not be of use to him anymore. They are becoming very sentimental over these things. An individual with OCPD often has this fear that by putting the things away, he is also throwing with them the memories and the lessons they once taught him.

But with the earnest desire to keep everything in order, and also having an unfathomable amount of courage, I’ve succeeded in eliminating all of the unnecessary clutter inside my room. The job was not a piece of cake. Aside from the physical effort it demanded, it was the roller-coaster ride of emotions that made it a lot harder for me.

It seems that our emotions suffer that phenomenon too. Sometimes, we tend to keep a number of painful memories at the back of our minds, in the hope it would make us all bolder beings as we go along with our lives. But little do we know that they are also the same reason why we seem to have some difficulties in moving forward. Our bitterness makes us too heavy to soar above the puddle of mud we wallow in. Until we realize that there is something wrong about being overly nostalgic, we remain stunted.

Sometimes, we get too caught up in our past that it clouds our view for the present and the future. We take our failures, pain and grudges far longer that we should. There might be nothing too wrong with that, except when being overly nostalgic about the past prevents us from allotting the needed space for the things that are significant for what is present.

So lighten up. Emancipate. Unload everything you find so unnecessary in your life. I know it's easier said than done, but maybe we could try to forget the pain,and instead just remember to keep the lessons to heart. I guess it wouldn't hurt to have a mindset, regardless of our age, that we have a lifetime ahead of us to live. As such, we need to free as much space there is to accommodate all the 'stuff' that is to come and get rid of all the unnecessary clutter.

To My Beloved Grandfather...

"If anyone should serve me, let him follow me, where I am, there will my servant be" 

John 12:26

Our Grandfather (Ingkong), Jessie Regala, peacefully joined his Maker at 1:30 am (Las Vegas Time) on January 30,2012.

You, together with the wonderful memories we've shared, will always have a special place in our hearts. May you find eternal peace in the arms of our Creator. 

We will miss you. We love you.

Aimless Ranting

Interminable wait for the School Year 2012-2013

It has been nearly four months since I stopped being a volunteer nurse at MTCMC. From then on, I’ve been a professional tambay (as others would coin it). Every waking hour of my life would mean a mundane cycle of superficial things, from flipping through the newspaper, poring over nerve racking books of some varieties, surfing the net aimlessly and other stupid whatnots known to man. Life is driving me nuts out of its sheer monotony. I really am so bored. I need to get a life besides existing. And sometimes, it is as if I’m virtually compelled to carry out every household chore, just to regard myself as a productive member of the household. And I have nothing against this one. I understand that everyone has some more important matters to attend to, and I, having a loathsome attitude toward this would probably not be the best thing that I could possibly be proud of having.

I slowly am about to border the dreadful aftermaths of this sheer boredom. Roughly four months before the next school year to commence, and hear I am, patiently counting the days before that treasured date. Those days seem to run out at a snail’s pace, and as slowly as the sand slipping through the narrow center of an hourglass. The ticking of the clock has gone wild. The interminable wait suffocates me.

So instead of letting the time pass me by unnoticed, here I am typing away these things in my mind. It is somewhat a constructive way of wasting someone’s time (So much for the justification).

And may I add. All great things to those who wait. So I’ll be patiently waiting.

Disclaimer.

If I will critique my own writing, I would say it is always too long, too wordy, and devoid of humor. It’s as if my words/sentences were lifted up from a textbook. Well, change starts from seeing what’s wrong (Plus I couldn’t seem to write in a conversational manner) - see? My usage of ‘conversational manner’ proves my point. I will do something about it, and believe me when I say, I’m a work in progress! Haha The manner to which I have constructed my words may not be grammatically perfect, but please, fervently excuse this fool. Writing has never been my cup of tea. I am rather good at some aspects concerning academics, but really not in writing. Well basically, I’ve been thinking that by making blog posts, I can improve my command of the English language, and perhaps, speech in general. I can pull this thing off, trust me! :)

Enough of this colloquy. I’m starving now. Famished. And considering cannibalism as of the moment! Lol just kidding.

My 21st Birthday

I just celebrated my 21st birthday yesterday, and I don't feel a day older. I guess birthdays don't really get to make you feel old. Experience does.  I think the last time I felt to have gotten a year older was when I took the Nurse Licensure Exams. After months of sleepless nights and torture of all sorts, I felt like being out of my old skin. I felt different, certainly far from being a perplexed and overly sensitive teenager. I think what made my birthday slightly tangible was the outpouring of people who greeted me their happy birthdays. Even people I was no longer in touch with were sending me their greetings.

Recently, I have been very vocal about our family experiencing problems of different magnitudes, and health issues concerning our Lolo being the most disturbing of them all. But we guessed we desperately needed a break so as to lighten up our loads and somehow be recharged, and my birthday was indeed the perfect time to break free.

I started my big day by hearing the 8 am mass with my family. I thought this was the perfect way to start the day. I believed that through this, I would be given the chance to personally thank Him for He has given me another year to fulfill my purpose and be with the people I dearly love.

My family and I decided to spend the rest of the day in Subic. Aside from the fact that the place was just a stone's throw from ours, Subic is indeed a magnificent place whenever you feel like strolling and wanting some affordable forms of relaxation, and perhaps, needless to say, being able to enjoy the wonders of nature, free of charge.

We chanced to see the beautiful sunset by the bay. Seeing the timid sun as it disappeared from behind the mountains gave me a sense of tranquility and peace. Letting the gentle sea breeze freely penetrate my nose was so liberating. While I was observing astonishing waves roll onto the shores, the subtle memories that I have stored at the back of my mind in my 21 years of existence suddenly flashed before my eyes. And for the first time in my life, I felt like crying. People know I don’t usually cry, and I can poster up a calm demeanor in the face of heart wrenching situations. Many believe that I am this strong hold that wouldn’t budge (Or so I think). But the moment these memories seemed to be touching my sensitive core, tears just welled up on my eyes, and I was badly trying my very best not to let the tears stream down on my cheeks. Pent up tension was rushing from my body, like a tide bursting open from a dam. The picturesque scene overlooking the wonders of the Earth was indeed more than enough to turn an emotional wreck into maudlinness. I haven’t yet experienced anything that is comparable.

It has dawned on me that life is really not unfair after all.  And all of my reservations were suddenly proven futile. Life has reminded me to be more thankful and appreciative of what I have and not whine about the things that I don’t/couldn’t possibly have. Life is indeed full of trickery, and it is up to you on how you would deal with them. 

Thanks for the unconditional love.

Me and my ever-loving mom.

 We ate at Gerry's Grill. And yes, the food made us all ecstatic.

Then agreed to have some bottles of alcohol at 17th Avenue, Northwalk I.

And to formally end the night, we all headed to Starbucks SM Pamp to have some doses of caffeine that could help us all sober up. So much for being Starbucks fiends.

We were home at exactly 12 am. I really had a blast, and true enough, it is one of the most memorable birthdays I've ever had. I am loved. And blessed.

About Being a Music Aficionado/Adele's Set Fire to the Rain

Most of the people around me know that I am a certified music aficionado. I just can’t live without music. You won’t see me going out without my iPod and earphones in my pocket. It brings meaning to my boringly usual life. Aside from my peculiar inclination to music, it is my ability to sing that gives it an extra flavor. Singing has been my outward expression of letting things emancipate from within me whenever I find spoken words too limited. It has been my refuge whenever I’m at my most vulnerable; My source of hope whenever I feel so despondent; and my cohort whenever I feel extremely alone.

One thing I love about music is its ability to invoke memories. It may not be so much of being mushy and overly nostalgic, but a simple demonstration of how our brain associates information so that recollections are like chains strongly wrap around each other- thus securing the integrity of our long-term memories, is something that makes it more sensible.

I’m quite sure many of us have had the experience of childhood memories flashing before our eyes whenever we chance to hear Ghost Fighter’s opening song, or more commonly, lovers lamenting over foiled promises of eternity upon hearing love songs, which even by their perfect symphonies could induce a flood of both happy and painful memories. Music has a way of returning us to the past. I think in a way or two, human beings are predisposed to be sentimental creatures. Although we may not be fond of revisiting long forgotten experiences, our brain always presents the forceful opportunity to do so.

So to further hit home with the point of being nostalgic, and mushy at that, here is the song which greatly reminds me of my most bittersweet memory to date- Falling in love for the first time and eventually having my heart blown into pieces in the end.

"Set Fire To The Rain"

I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

But there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you'd play
You would always win, always win.

[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing is better

'Cause there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you'd say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you'd play
You would always win, always win.

[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt something die
'Cause I knew that there was the last time, the last time!

Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you.

[Chorus:]
I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt something die
'Cause I knew that there was the last time, the last time, oh, oh!

Let it burn
Oh oh ohhhh
Let it burn
Oh oh ohhhh
Let it burn
Oh oh ohhhh

Set Fire to the Rain is the third single of the British Singer/Songwriter Adele ripped from her sophomore album 21. The song vividly describes the contradictory elements of a relationship and the impossibility of letting go. It could easily be depicted on the lyrics of the song, for example, in the lines ‘Even now when we’re already over, I can’t help myself from looking for you’ and ‘I set fire to the rain, and I threw us into the flames’.

The way I understand the song, it talks about abruptly ending something bad, something that you should have done a long time ago and then finally just pulling all your cards off the table and taking the power back to yourself. Ultimately, the song is a very emotional one because it's about how, despite her personal weaknesses in a relationship, and the power someone has/had over her, she was able to recognize that he was bad for her and was, ultimately, able to "set fire to" what was between them, burn it down, and push him out of her life for good.

This is some sort of a liberating song. Having the courage to detach from something you hold important, but at the same time, destructive for you is undoubtedly a long row to hoe. With well-crafted lyrics and Adele’s magnificent voice and mourning vocals, the song truly became a masterpiece, and at the same time, a panacea to those who were experiencing the similar dilemma. 

Set Fire to the Rain for me is so personal, and honestly there was a time that I really thought Adele had intentionally written this song for me. I have been in the same situation, wherein I deeply fell in love to someone whom I found so undeserving of my loving in the end. Getting rid of my love for this person was terribly hard, as hard as setting fire in the middle of a rainstorm, or lighting a candle over gushes of strong winds. The gnawing pain after the breakup has tormented me for months. I really thought I will not be able to escape such infinite hole of despair, but thanks to Adele’s album 21 (esp. track no.5). It really helped me hurdle such difficult tragedy.

But having experienced such a downfall, I began having reservations about forming an intimate relationship with somebody. The pain that I have experienced has dulled my heart. I had this epiphany that love is not worth the tears. I know it is not normal to feel this way, but I believe shooing love away as of the moment will enable me to appreciate much greater things that life has to offer.

                     "Even now when we're already over, I can't help myself from looking for you"

On Hiatus

Hi dear readers! I would be temporarily retiring from blogging (maybe for a week or two). The recent turn of events that our family is experiencing had caused me to lose all desire to write. I'll be back as soon as my senses are in excellent shape again. 

Med School- Here I come!

           Dating back to my childhood years, I was used to seeing medical-related stuff such as stethoscope, sphygmomanometers, thermometers, etc. inside our house primarily because two of my cousins who were living with us at that time were practicing nurses.  I never expected to end up in the same profession.

To be honest, being a nurse was never my dream job.  (Well, at least not in its entirety).  During my 4^th year in high school, my mind was throbbing from confusion on what path I should take in college.  My parents and other people around me suggested that I should take up Nursing as this career path could lead to greener pastures.  After much deliberation, I finally decided to take the course that they were suggesting. Besides, the fact that I excel in subjects (for instance, Biology) that require students to have good memory skills made the choice easier.  In addition, my dislike for mind-boggling mathematical equations narrowed my field of choices.  Courses such as Engineering, Accountancy and the like never held my interest.  I believe that my aptitude paralleled the degree that I decided to undertake five years ago. 

The year 2010 signaled the end of my four-year stay at Angeles University Foundation.  It was really a tough ride that eventually ended up pretty well.  I can still recall those times when I almost succumbed to the temptation of giving up because, as we all know Nursing is indeed a difficult course.  You have to give up almost half of your social life in order to complete the degree.  And the most important physiologic need that generally all of us enjoy – sleep – is often compromised.  Fortunately, with me having the supreme perseverance and a driven spirit to achieve to the highest level, I made it and even graduated with honors.  From the time I entered college, I never thought I would do so well.  Call me a dreamer with no laudable goal in life, but I really didn’t see myself capable enough to achieve such distinction.

Right after graduation, I forced myself again to resume the constant pressure of studying as the July NLE was fast approaching.  With barely enough time to review, I struggled through myriad concepts pertaining to different fields of my profession.  It was pretty hard because I found it very difficult to cram more info to my already overloaded brain cells.  But once again, by God’s grace, my hard work paid off.  Not only did I pass the exams, I was also able to achieve 14^th place among thousands of NLE takers.  In the beginning, the most important part was for me to just qualify to be a registered nurse and to be a topnotcher would be the icing on the cake.

A few months after officially becoming a registered nurse, I applied to Mother Teresa of Calcutta Medical Center (MTCMC) as a volunteer nurse.  The experience that I gained there was absolutely without comparison.  I was able to fully apply and practice all the nursing theories that I learned in my 4-year stay at the academe.  Actually, we had already been given the chance to gain similar experience during our internship but the opportunity that I had at MTCMC was far beyond my expectations.  I was able to perform nursing interventions all in my own power and control i.e. without the aid and supervision of a Clinical Instructor.  My exposure in the clinical setting has led me to a greater appreciation of what my profession really is all about - CARING.

However, after almost five months of volunteering, I suddenly realized that I wanted to pursue my greatest and wildest dream - to be a medical doctor.  I no longer want to restrict myself to being a nurse.  I can't any more imagine myself taking orders or performing mundane tasks such as charting and monitoring vital signs.  I figured that if I eventually pursued medicine I would have greater satisfaction as well as prestige and a decent salary - which should be at par with the pay of a nurse abroad if I work really hard.

Everybody knows that Medicine is not a walk in the park.  It requires students to maximize their potential to be able to overcome whatever challenges the course entails.  After all, it is the lives of patients at stake.

Time and money are also factors to consider.  Although my parents have expressed their support when I told them about my decision, I felt the dread and worry in their voices.  Medicine is neither an easy nor an inexpensive endeavor.

It is not unusual for a med student to see his former classmates building careers and doing "fun stuff" while he himself is still at school, examining cadavers and enduring 36-hour duty. Furthermore, since studying Medicine would require a great deal of focus, money-making opportunities would be limited which means a 20 something year-old still having to rely on his parents' financial support - maybe even after he graduates until he is able to start to build his medical career by age 30.

Although it took me a while to finally decide to pursue Medicine, I guess the time has been well devoted.  At this stage, I feel this is my life's calling.  I am aware that there will be hills and mountains to climb but I am sure when I reach the top, the view will be awesome!

Bobodolls!- Thesis group

Miss ko na sila :(

the Legendary Group 15!

It was just a dream! =)

bestfriend and yum Ronelie + Bes Patrick Simbulan

PS: Thank you so much Tita Tess Saynor for this one! I owe you bigtime po! =)

Just barely 21 years old.

There is something with the cool air blowing on my direction which reminds me of so much things that I need to reflect on. As I walk barefooted, with my head gazed down, watching my feet take turns on hitting the ground, I suddenly had that certain tinge that hit my well being. I know this uncertainty may be viewed by others as some sort of existential crisis. This uncaring facade may be due to an unfathomable emptiness that I have been feeling as of the moment. And I constantly question Him why I do get it everytime. I wonder if people also brush upon the same feelings.

To start the new year with a positive outlook in life has been a common objective to everyone. But how can you do such if you are constantly being reminded by a lot of awkward/failed decisions that you have inadvertently committed during the past, that somehow had created a vacuum of unexplainable angst and feelings of futility? 

I am barely 21 years old. and yet I feel greatly jaded, confused and disillusioned. Almost a year and a half after graduation, I am standing before a blank wall, staring at nothingness. I feel like a movie character interminably walking on an endless road, slowly disappearing as the camera pans upward to the sky. Only in that part, the closing credits roll in, and you know the character lives a happily-ever after. Real life doesn't give you that privilege, you walk along until fate decides to throw you another plot.

I believe my premature weariness stems from not knowing how to get my act together so that I may fulfill all my dreams. I want to be a doctor, a writer, and a humanitarian. Life is full of trade offs, but I don't think I would be willing to compromise the things that lend my life its meaning. Wanting nothing is pitiful, but wanting too many things is vexation to the spirit.

As most of the middle aged people have the habit of reminding you how young you still are, or 'ang bata mo pa' in lingua franca, followed by the hopeful litany of the things you are yet to accomplish, you tread on this false sense of security that great opportunities still lie ahead. But, what if there are none? What if you are to be cemented to your perpetual confusion? And your life will be spent wondering on what lies on the other side of the fence? A lifetime of regret scares me.

I know that my life is about to tread a certain direction, to which I still am not certain of what really it is as of the time being. I believe their is still a lot in store for me in the coming years. I am bound to make each dream of mine a reality, into existence. My life has never been considered a waste. But, what really pains me is that my direction in life is a mere pencil sketch that gets to be changed every so often by present influences. I'm taking my chances, and I will remain undaunted even at the face of many failures. I won't take this blind leap of faith to a test, but I will staunchly believe that things would turn out exactly the way I want them to be. xx