Please, Fight and Make It Work.

I have hit a wall. 

My knees were tired and I could barely stand alone. I had been waiting for you to join me in the ring and prove that you were up to fight with me, like what I had been doing for us since day one. I wanted things to work. I poured all my attention, time, emotions and even my own well-being onto this fight. I thought we were supposed to be in this fight together. But my was wrong.

It took me some time to realize that I was fighting it all out alone. You were just standing there, enjoying the spectacle. I gave you the benefit of the doubt, thinking that you were just waiting for the right cue on when to jump in and join me in the fight. But the 12 rounds we were given were just too long for me to bear it all alone. In every punch, kick and jab I painfully received, I screamed for help. 'Show me you're in this', I'd plead.

Time against us and miles between us, but still, I gave it a try. I moved out of my comfort zone simply because I thought you were worth it. I thought of the beautiful possibility of us fighting in the ring together, enduring all the punches and setbacks that are bound our way. Time passed by and you never showed up prepared. From unanswered texts and calls, to unjustified apprehensions, surely I was always at the receiving end. I was losing the idea that you were really into it, that this could possibly be love, like what you made me feel at the very start, until inconsistency on your part set in. 

I realized that I had to throw in the towel and give up when reality slapped me real hard that I was all doing it all by myself. I was too tired, weak and extremely vulnerable. Surely, if love is real, it will kiss you back and will not make you question your self worth. 

Honey, love is not for the lazy. If you can't put up the fight, you're lazy. And quite frankly, you're not worthy. You are such an 'out of sight, out of mind' person.

And please, don't ask for a rematch until you are ready. Show me you are worthy of my time and affection until you get me to play again.

An Open Letter to the Person Whom I Thought Could Be The Next Best Thing

Too many thoughts running in circles at the back of my head as I lay beside you in that warm and comforting bed we shared yesterday night. I know that you knew there was something wrong because my body language was telling you something was not right and it was basically all over the place. As I stared at your innocent face last night while you were sleeping, I painfully acknowledged the easiest solution to my pressing apprehensions.

We have had communication for quite some time now and not a single day passed without a good morning text from you. For the first time in forever (after I became single), I finally was able to feel that feeling once more. I wanted to be always with you every hour, every minute. Everything about you was just too sexy to resist. I loved how you patiently listened to my stories and rants and how you desperately kept on showing me your interest in every story I say. You simply are the best description of what I want my next partner to be.

I hope you knew how hard I tried to forget the exact words you told me at Day 1- that you are not into relationships. You just needed company. The idea of meeting new people, get to know their personal lives and some other related stuff excite you, and being emotionally attached to somebody is the least of your priority. But being an extremely emotional person, I must admit that I was taken aback initially, knowing that this kind of game is exactly not what I am good at. But of course, I fell down the rabbit hole and tried to do casual dating with you. I desperately looked for ways on how I can go deeper to your soul, and eventually my efforts have failed altogether. I was too naïve to think I could change your mind. I was so ignorant to think that I could be the one to masterfully change the course of ‘casual’ dating. My ‘text him even if you’re damn busy’ scheme didn’t work on you. My humor and wit didn’t change your mind. And no matter how good I looked, you are not going to ask me if it’s going to be ok if you will call me yours.

I am sorry if I can’t prevent myself from expecting too much from this casual relationship. It’s entirely not your fault that I fell for you, when you told me from the very start that you didn’t want to be serious. After I texted you that seemingly harmless message of me thanking you for a wonderful night, I braved a hundred storm just to have your mobile number, Facebook and Viber blocked and deleted altogether. I had to put all the lines disconnected because my attempt at forgetting everything about you will definitely fail with just one text coming from you. I am sorry I had to painfully leave you this way. I opted not to tell you about this escape plan to spare you from all the unnecessary  dramas, to which you have told me you are not fond of facing in the first place. Having experienced the pain of falling in and out of love before has taught me on how to save myself from another impending yet preventable major heartache. I needed to save myself. I was being cruel to be kind.

You will be a constant reminder that casual relationship is not my cup of tea. It’s really not for me. I refuse to be the one tossed aside for other people to have their cake and eat it too. I refused to be on the sidelines. The heartache wasn’t worth it. The waiting game wasn’t worth it. None of it was.

I hope you get to read this letter one day, when my smile is the only thing you could ever remember of me.

Secret Love Song

I was having a rough time on that rainy Monday night of July because exams were due on the next day, when I tried to flip through the posts on my Facebook feed at an attempt to relax my already exhausted mind a bit, when an unprecedented notification came across my inbox from someone I hardly knew personally. You said Hi, and I said Hello. Then things started just like that. You basically had me at hello. I welcomed the break from whatever I was doing to talk to someone else. Suddenly, you had me giving in on the idea of meeting you personally on the following day, partly because you seemed pleasing to my senses (hell, that smile on your DP could easily tame even the wildest of animal ever known) and the other half, I just couldn't tell exactly.

That first meeting of ours will always be emblazoned in my mind. He talked to me with the purest intentions. Those brown eyes innocently showed me a glimpse of his beautiful soul. He asked me about my life, random questions and my opinions about what I liked and didn't like. I thought it was typical of any conversation with someone new. But honestly, he instantly had me giving into my knees. I was trembling secretly because at the back of mind, I was thinking if he will ever gonna like me at first sight. Things became crystal clear when he said he was looking forward to seeing me again in the next coming days. And as expected, the succeeding nights were all about exchanging sweet messages.  Back then, I didn't see the niggling feeling that was already creeping under my skin.

Things became a little intimate and serious, and it could have been a perfect love story if not for one deadly serious odd- the truth of the matter is- we were both committed to somebody else that time.

I must admit that I shouldn't have given him the chance to see what's inside me, I never should have opened my gates. Because basically I was committed to somebody else that time. But the longing to be with someone physically was something I couldn't just simply resist especially that I had been in a long distance relationship for quite some time. I craved for company at times when I desperately needed it. I was slowly realizing that the comforting words from somebody when you feel down were just not enough to make me feel better when not coupled with real hugs, not just the virtual hugs peppered with all the emoticons ever invented. I needed something tangible, something real. 

All of a sudden, that someone who used to be a full stranger now became a part of my daily routine. From his good morning text messages, to the quick but sweet phone calls at midnight telling me to keep pushing on amidst all the ordeals of medschool. He became an accidental respite. 

However, things became more complex when we started exchanging I LOVE YOU to each other. I mean, what the hell. How can we say those words to somebody and hold on to these words' truest meaning when our hearts are owned by somebody else in the first place? I put this pressing thought at my subconscious mind, and never did I attempt to decode what's the real score between the two of us at that time. I just enjoyed each moment with him, from the movies we shared, and to the meals we both devoured secretly. While everything we did was ideal of any relationship, I selfishly wished I had that kind of set up with my actual partner that time.

This secret love 'affair' had been going on for quite some time, until me and my long time partner decided to part ways. Since then, things had been a little bit different at my standpoint. While I was in deep pain, suddenly I felt alone. Sure he never did leave my side while I was fixing myself, but on that time, I began questioning what was really going on between us and where we are truly headed next especially now that I am free, while he is not.

As I tried to pick up the pieces of my shattered self, I imagined him standing somewhere, still beside his one and only, building memories together. As he continues to shower me with his I LOVE YOUs every now and then, the I LOVE YOU TOOs came down to a trickle.  And when I finally moved on to my past, I secretly hoped that he would one day, tell me that he also called it quits with his long time partner and is now ready to start his life anew with me standing next to him. I remembered randomly stalking his Facebook account on a cold and lonely night, imagining how it would be like to be his partner, only to remind me that reality sucks, for now.

I always feel that pang in my heart whenever I come across a text from him checking out on me. The pain of seeing him happy with his man is just too much. I secretly wish I am yours, and you are mine.

For what it's worth, I know I deserve to go through this. 

I am sorry if I can't reply ‘I love you too’ to your text earlier.

ps: this is pure fiction. For literary purposes only :p

Community Medicine!

This was the reflection paper we submitted for the Department of Family Medicine regarding our first community immersion at an Aeta community in Floridablanca, Pampanga, and I just thought I had to share it on my blog. This was just a short write up because we were just given a maximum of 10 sentences to express ourselves. Now, that was a feat!

REFLECTION PAPER

(Community Immersion in Nabuclod, Floridablanca, Pampanga last July 2, 2016)

GROUP 5 JBLMRH PGIs

On a one sunny Saturday morning, we, the post-graduate interns of JBLMRH were given the chance to be exposed in an Aeta community together with the other residents and consultants of the Department of Family Medicine. The scorching and seemingly relentless heat of the sun did not stop us from seeing and reflecting on the real situation of the health care of our brethren residing in the mountains. The alarming situation with regards to the accessibility of health care among these people badly needs to be taken into account by the government and private sectors altogether.  As agents of change, we must mobilize everything in order to make the health care system become more accessible to them.

Aside from being able to sense the problem regarding their health care system, the interns were also able to experience first handedly how simple life can be, away from the technological advancements and advantages of the fast-changing and demanding world. It’s a scarcity nowadays to see people talk to each other not holding their phones on their one hand, and a rarity to see a family who collectively works hard just to get by each day, which is seemingly in pure contrary to the world where most of us want to have everything served on a silver platter. In a reality where most people seek for greater, but less superficial things, we hardly see genuine satisfaction.

That one-of-a kind community immersion we had last Saturday was something we don’t get to experience everyday in our social media-documented world.However, we realized that their simple, less colorful, and less festive world may somehow not be Instagram ready for some, but everything there cannot be more visceral, more tangible, or any less exciting than the next filtered photo on our Instagram feed.

Taking Chances

I have been staring blankly on this document, thinking how would be the best way to start this blogpost. It seems like I am lost for words, when I know for a fact that I have so much things in mind that I badly need to put into writing. I know this may sound as yet another blogpost about love, about a loss in particular. I am again to retell to the world a very typical love story which had a not-so-happy ending, how I lived my life past thru the heartbreak, and how I dealt with it with much pain, notwithstanding the fact how it prevented me from forming a new one, which maybe the reason why I am still single right now, or haven’t dated anyone exclusively after that breakup.

Once upon a time, I loved someone, and I felt loved. The days were you just couldn’t get off your phone because you constantly wanted an update from him, as he was to you, had been a thing of the past. You went out together, spent quality time with closest friends and family. You built your dreams with him, and naively made dreams for the both of you for the coming future. You were always in cloud 9. You felt that you are strong enough because no matter what would happen, there will always be that person aside from your family, who believes in you unconditionally. Being in a long-time relationship has been something that I enjoyed for the past couple of years-something that I never expected at all- to think I just met this wholesome guy from Grindr (such a paradox). I held on to every promise he made- I treasured each memory, each place we went to together, each kiss and hug. I never would have imagined that time will come that he would be soon leaving me, yet alone again.

Our relationship may have ended prematurely, but I believe it has been a nurturing one. I was able to experience so many things because of him- I got to go to places, receive gifts and letters on special occasions, and most importantly, I was able to make more mature decisions in life. I suddenly transformed from a typical, very naïve and innocent guy, to a more mannered, reasonable, and selfless man.

I have been single for 10 months now. And I am not going to deny the fact that I kind of miss the feeling of being in a relationship once in a while. I have met a couple of men after the break up and not a single date survived. Maybe because I feel like I wasn’t yet ready to form another lasting relationship with somebody. I wasn’t sure if I can handle another break up, or another failure at that.

I was able to meet my ex-partner 3 months ago personally after the break up. He was so wrong when he told me that I have moved on that fast-maybe because I never gave him the slightest clue that I was still struggling that time. Surviving a breakup from 3 year-old relationship is easier said than done. I thought I was ready to fall in love again- I tried, but to no avail.

I read somewhere across somebody else’s blog that there are 3 types of persons in this world. Runners who flee; Watchers, who sit on the sidelines; and Risk-takers, who commit.

Runners are afraid of failing or getting hurt. They fear the challenges that commitment brings, and so they run away. Watchers are the fence-sitters, also afraid of failing or getting hurt, but are fascinated by those who are in the game.

Runners and watchers may never get hurt, never experience pain, but they will also never experience the thrill, the joy, the exhilaration of succeeding. Risk-takers get hurt, they get wounded, and they can in fact fail, but they’re the only ones who know what true victory and triumph mean. And they’re the only ones who will truly know what falling in love with another person or with life truly brings.

I guess I am being a runner now. I crave love but I never let my walls down to love someone. I crave intimacy but I shy away when someone shows me affection. I crave permanence but I end things before anything took root. I detest getting hurt but only let myself find love in doomed places. I am the largest walking contradiction I know. I am a coward.

I long for the day that somehow, I am willing to take chances again- that I can finally get out from the ghostly memories of my past, and be willing to commit myself fully to another relationship, whatever it takes.

My Rhinoplasty Journey

I may be one of the first few people who has the audacity to tell to the world that- yes, nagpagawa ako ng ilong! Haha :p I don’t want to sound like bragging or super proud of it, but when I am being asked, I politely just tell them the truth. I had been longing for this rightful time to come ever since I was quite young, and it finally came. So the big question was this- when did all this yearning to have a rhinoplasty start?

Basically, I had been dreaming to have my nose surgically altered since when I was in my highschool years. My nose was actually “ok” during the pre-rhino era, it has a bridge (thankfully, allowing me to wear eyeglasses without them sliding down on my face!), but the problem lies on my big alae (the lower part of the nose, enclosing the nostrils) and a not so pointed (or rounded at that) and unrefined tip. It always looked big in pictures whenever I flash on my million dollar smile. Honestly, it’s really not that scene stealing, but I was really annoyed by the fact that my face would have looked much better had my nose been in proper proportion with my face. But, being on my highschool year (a minor at that) left all my dreams for my nose hanging and suspended in midair temporarily until I reach the rightful age, time, courage, and of course, the resources which are all needed to make this dream into a reality.

I actually never thought of having a rhinoplasty this soon not until my senior year in medschool. Maybe all the tortures and rigors of clerkship made me into realizing that I needed that much needed make over whenever I see my reflection in the mirror every after a 36 hours duty. I wanted to reward myself after graduating. And instead of asking for a huge and special present for my graduation, I, without having second thoughts, asked for this one.

Of course, one of the perks of being in the medical field is that you get to enjoy some privileges- like discounts on professional fees. I was referred to a plastic surgeon by my mentor/friend general surgeon-who happened to be the first person I confided in about my plans of getting a rhinoplasty. I had my pre-op consultation a month before my graduation and had everything scheduled indefinitely after the supposed grad date. However, for the scheduling part, it didn’t help that the plastic surgeon had to go on a vacation leave for the whole month of May (I originally planned to have it on the first week of May), leaving me with no choice but to have the operation scheduled on the day after my graduation-yeah right, I missed all the fun that I was supposed to enjoy on the night after the ceremonies- I was even put on NPO (nothing per orem, meaning you are not allowed to eat and drink anything the midnight before the operation), and that really sucked, but I have to deal with it, tiis ganda as they say.

So on the morning of the 29^th of April, my rhinoplasty dream became a reality. The operation went well, lasted for approximately 3 hours. It was really weird at first, because I am used to seeing patients on their OR gowns as I lay them gingerly on the OR bed- this time, there had been switching of roles. I never thought of it at first not until I was lying in there, with my eyes wide open, looking directly to the overhead OR lights, the sound made by the pulse oximeter, the smell of cidex, etc. It was pandemonium! Thankfully, the Midazolam tablet (yes, I swallowed not half, but the whole tablet, haha) worked its wonders immediately. Everything was only under local anesthesia (well you basically have a choice to have everything being done while you are fast asleep, with the help of IV sedating medications, but that would entail another added cost as you are going to have an anesthesiologist added to the team, and would cost you around an additional of 15-20,000 pesos. So, yeah, I could pretty handle myself well.haha)

In the immediate post-op, as expected, there was a little bit of pain, albeit tolerable. And you have your painkillers with you so that wouldn’t be much of a big deal. However, it was the breathing part which made everything worse, due to the fact that I now had narrower nostrils (they did an alarplasty, google on it) and there were packings and tapes all over my face which blocked all my chances to normally breathe through my nose. I wasn’t able to talk properly (as expected), and my lips were drying out because I was left with only my mouth to breathe. Everything was working perfectly fine then, so I breathed a sigh of relief and told myself- ‘finally, it’s done’.

Facial swelling became much worse on the 2^nd-4^th day, and there were occasions that when I inadvertently lean forward (a big no no post-rhinoplasty), there would just be bleeding all over. It was frustrating and alarming at first, but I got used to it. So I desperately tried to live my life in normalcy as days went by.

Probably, the only thing that I failed to fully comprehend before I decided to have rhinoplasty was the downtime after the surgery. Surely, there had been some minor improvements from the day of the surgery up until today (I’m on my 5^th week post op btw). However, the changes were not that drastic prompting praises-well, just yet. I naively thought that the effects of a nosejob can be enjoyed right after, if not, few weeks after the operation. I was wrong. The literatures/books (and even my surgeon) say that the full effects of a rhinoplasty won’t be evident until 6 months to a year after surgery, for the swelling, especially on the tip part (I had tipplasty btw), would resolve for a longer period of time. In fact today, it still feels hard and looks unrefined, and I can’t even touch it because it still hurts. And now the bulbous tip ruins everything whenever I smile because it looks odd and unnatural. Perhaps, all surgeries have their downtime, and cosmetic surgery is not spared on this. I can safely say that my rhinoplasty journey hasn’t officially ended just yet.

So for now, I try my very (very) best to remain patient and see if the rhinoplasty will deliver its promises. Some people who know me personally may be asking why the heck have I subjected myself to this procedure when my nose was basically ok to start with. Believe me, I have asked this question a couple of times already, and I always end up with a quite perplexing yet a reality-based answer. “It was in my bucket list”, I told to them. “I wanted to fulfill that dream of having a rhino for once in my life. I don’t want to die with what ifs.” It may really sound cliché-ish and unconvincing, but I really wanted to look and feel good-for myself, not to please others. I did not do this to fit in in a society where everything is judged based on how you look. I was just fulfilling a childhood dream, and I thank the good Lord that stars have aligned to finally turn this dream into a reality.

PS: I won’t be posting in here the cost of my rhinoplasty experience (btw, I had an Open Rhinoplasty, with Tipplasty and Alarplasty) But just in case you wanna know, please comment here and I will respond. Hope this blogpost helps those who are planning to have rhinoplasty soon. God bless you on your journey!

This was me pre-rhino era. As you can see, the bridge was ok, but my nasal alae were flaring and the tip was unrefined.

Immediate post op. I can't believe I'm posting this. haha

One week post-op

This was one month post op-worm's eye view. The nares look amazing when viewed underneath. This was because the tip was elevated via a cartilage graft.

This is the front view, one month post-op. It kinda looks unnatural because of the still-bulbuos tip.My upper lip also feels numb and has reduced mobilization. This is quite an expected result up until few months post op.

Back, from Outer Space!

Finally! I'm back to my old love- writing blogposts! Two months before the post-grad internship starts! (oh wait, one month already out, and I don't want to reevaluate on how productive that month was haha). Finally had some degree of normalcy in my life after being burned alive with junior internship (certainly one of the phases of my life that I wouldn't dare to experience again). Now I am bound to trudge a definitely more challenging phase of my medical career, and lately I have been asking myself constantly if I am really ready to go out there with my white coat and stethoscope. But hey, I had 4 years in med school- I think I have mustered more than enough knowledge, skills, the right attitude, and of course, the confidence, for me to be able to do what is expected of me to do. Surely the uncertainty is there, but who knows? Maybe, I really can. haha

finally, a white coat with my name embroidered on it.