Secret Love Song

I was having a rough time on that rainy Monday night of July because exams were due on the next day, when I tried to flip through the posts on my Facebook feed at an attempt to relax my already exhausted mind a bit, when an unprecedented notification came across my inbox from someone I hardly knew personally. You said Hi, and I said Hello. Then things started just like that. You basically had me at hello. I welcomed the break from whatever I was doing to talk to someone else. Suddenly, you had me giving in on the idea of meeting you personally on the following day, partly because you seemed pleasing to my senses (hell, that smile on your DP could easily tame even the wildest of animal ever known) and the other half, I just couldn't tell exactly.

That first meeting of ours will always be emblazoned in my mind. He talked to me with the purest intentions. Those brown eyes innocently showed me a glimpse of his beautiful soul. He asked me about my life, random questions and my opinions about what I liked and didn't like. I thought it was typical of any conversation with someone new. But honestly, he instantly had me giving into my knees. I was trembling secretly because at the back of mind, I was thinking if he will ever gonna like me at first sight. Things became crystal clear when he said he was looking forward to seeing me again in the next coming days. And as expected, the succeeding nights were all about exchanging sweet messages.  Back then, I didn't see the niggling feeling that was already creeping under my skin.

Things became a little intimate and serious, and it could have been a perfect love story if not for one deadly serious odd- the truth of the matter is- we were both committed to somebody else that time.

I must admit that I shouldn't have given him the chance to see what's inside me, I never should have opened my gates. Because basically I was committed to somebody else that time. But the longing to be with someone physically was something I couldn't just simply resist especially that I had been in a long distance relationship for quite some time. I craved for company at times when I desperately needed it. I was slowly realizing that the comforting words from somebody when you feel down were just not enough to make me feel better when not coupled with real hugs, not just the virtual hugs peppered with all the emoticons ever invented. I needed something tangible, something real. 

All of a sudden, that someone who used to be a full stranger now became a part of my daily routine. From his good morning text messages, to the quick but sweet phone calls at midnight telling me to keep pushing on amidst all the ordeals of medschool. He became an accidental respite. 

However, things became more complex when we started exchanging I LOVE YOU to each other. I mean, what the hell. How can we say those words to somebody and hold on to these words' truest meaning when our hearts are owned by somebody else in the first place? I put this pressing thought at my subconscious mind, and never did I attempt to decode what's the real score between the two of us at that time. I just enjoyed each moment with him, from the movies we shared, and to the meals we both devoured secretly. While everything we did was ideal of any relationship, I selfishly wished I had that kind of set up with my actual partner that time.

This secret love 'affair' had been going on for quite some time, until me and my long time partner decided to part ways. Since then, things had been a little bit different at my standpoint. While I was in deep pain, suddenly I felt alone. Sure he never did leave my side while I was fixing myself, but on that time, I began questioning what was really going on between us and where we are truly headed next especially now that I am free, while he is not.

As I tried to pick up the pieces of my shattered self, I imagined him standing somewhere, still beside his one and only, building memories together. As he continues to shower me with his I LOVE YOUs every now and then, the I LOVE YOU TOOs came down to a trickle.  And when I finally moved on to my past, I secretly hoped that he would one day, tell me that he also called it quits with his long time partner and is now ready to start his life anew with me standing next to him. I remembered randomly stalking his Facebook account on a cold and lonely night, imagining how it would be like to be his partner, only to remind me that reality sucks, for now.

I always feel that pang in my heart whenever I come across a text from him checking out on me. The pain of seeing him happy with his man is just too much. I secretly wish I am yours, and you are mine.

For what it's worth, I know I deserve to go through this. 

I am sorry if I can't reply ‘I love you too’ to your text earlier.

ps: this is pure fiction. For literary purposes only :p