Taking Chances

I have been staring blankly on this document, thinking how would be the best way to start this blogpost. It seems like I am lost for words, when I know for a fact that I have so much things in mind that I badly need to put into writing. I know this may sound as yet another blogpost about love, about a loss in particular. I am again to retell to the world a very typical love story which had a not-so-happy ending, how I lived my life past thru the heartbreak, and how I dealt with it with much pain, notwithstanding the fact how it prevented me from forming a new one, which maybe the reason why I am still single right now, or haven’t dated anyone exclusively after that breakup.

Once upon a time, I loved someone, and I felt loved. The days were you just couldn’t get off your phone because you constantly wanted an update from him, as he was to you, had been a thing of the past. You went out together, spent quality time with closest friends and family. You built your dreams with him, and naively made dreams for the both of you for the coming future. You were always in cloud 9. You felt that you are strong enough because no matter what would happen, there will always be that person aside from your family, who believes in you unconditionally. Being in a long-time relationship has been something that I enjoyed for the past couple of years-something that I never expected at all- to think I just met this wholesome guy from Grindr (such a paradox). I held on to every promise he made- I treasured each memory, each place we went to together, each kiss and hug. I never would have imagined that time will come that he would be soon leaving me, yet alone again.

Our relationship may have ended prematurely, but I believe it has been a nurturing one. I was able to experience so many things because of him- I got to go to places, receive gifts and letters on special occasions, and most importantly, I was able to make more mature decisions in life. I suddenly transformed from a typical, very naïve and innocent guy, to a more mannered, reasonable, and selfless man.

I have been single for 10 months now. And I am not going to deny the fact that I kind of miss the feeling of being in a relationship once in a while. I have met a couple of men after the break up and not a single date survived. Maybe because I feel like I wasn’t yet ready to form another lasting relationship with somebody. I wasn’t sure if I can handle another break up, or another failure at that.

I was able to meet my ex-partner 3 months ago personally after the break up. He was so wrong when he told me that I have moved on that fast-maybe because I never gave him the slightest clue that I was still struggling that time. Surviving a breakup from 3 year-old relationship is easier said than done. I thought I was ready to fall in love again- I tried, but to no avail.

I read somewhere across somebody else’s blog that there are 3 types of persons in this world. Runners who flee; Watchers, who sit on the sidelines; and Risk-takers, who commit.

Runners are afraid of failing or getting hurt. They fear the challenges that commitment brings, and so they run away. Watchers are the fence-sitters, also afraid of failing or getting hurt, but are fascinated by those who are in the game.

Runners and watchers may never get hurt, never experience pain, but they will also never experience the thrill, the joy, the exhilaration of succeeding. Risk-takers get hurt, they get wounded, and they can in fact fail, but they’re the only ones who know what true victory and triumph mean. And they’re the only ones who will truly know what falling in love with another person or with life truly brings.

I guess I am being a runner now. I crave love but I never let my walls down to love someone. I crave intimacy but I shy away when someone shows me affection. I crave permanence but I end things before anything took root. I detest getting hurt but only let myself find love in doomed places. I am the largest walking contradiction I know. I am a coward.

I long for the day that somehow, I am willing to take chances again- that I can finally get out from the ghostly memories of my past, and be willing to commit myself fully to another relationship, whatever it takes.