Taking Chances

I have been staring blankly on this document, thinking how would be the best way to start this blogpost. It seems like I am lost for words, when I know for a fact that I have so much things in mind that I badly need to put into writing. I know this may sound as yet another blogpost about love, about a loss in particular. I am again to retell to the world a very typical love story which had a not-so-happy ending, how I lived my life past thru the heartbreak, and how I dealt with it with much pain, notwithstanding the fact how it prevented me from forming a new one, which maybe the reason why I am still single right now, or haven’t dated anyone exclusively after that breakup.

Once upon a time, I loved someone, and I felt loved. The days were you just couldn’t get off your phone because you constantly wanted an update from him, as he was to you, had been a thing of the past. You went out together, spent quality time with closest friends and family. You built your dreams with him, and naively made dreams for the both of you for the coming future. You were always in cloud 9. You felt that you are strong enough because no matter what would happen, there will always be that person aside from your family, who believes in you unconditionally. Being in a long-time relationship has been something that I enjoyed for the past couple of years-something that I never expected at all- to think I just met this wholesome guy from Grindr (such a paradox). I held on to every promise he made- I treasured each memory, each place we went to together, each kiss and hug. I never would have imagined that time will come that he would be soon leaving me, yet alone again.

Our relationship may have ended prematurely, but I believe it has been a nurturing one. I was able to experience so many things because of him- I got to go to places, receive gifts and letters on special occasions, and most importantly, I was able to make more mature decisions in life. I suddenly transformed from a typical, very naïve and innocent guy, to a more mannered, reasonable, and selfless man.

I have been single for 10 months now. And I am not going to deny the fact that I kind of miss the feeling of being in a relationship once in a while. I have met a couple of men after the break up and not a single date survived. Maybe because I feel like I wasn’t yet ready to form another lasting relationship with somebody. I wasn’t sure if I can handle another break up, or another failure at that.

I was able to meet my ex-partner 3 months ago personally after the break up. He was so wrong when he told me that I have moved on that fast-maybe because I never gave him the slightest clue that I was still struggling that time. Surviving a breakup from 3 year-old relationship is easier said than done. I thought I was ready to fall in love again- I tried, but to no avail.

I read somewhere across somebody else’s blog that there are 3 types of persons in this world. Runners who flee; Watchers, who sit on the sidelines; and Risk-takers, who commit.

Runners are afraid of failing or getting hurt. They fear the challenges that commitment brings, and so they run away. Watchers are the fence-sitters, also afraid of failing or getting hurt, but are fascinated by those who are in the game.

Runners and watchers may never get hurt, never experience pain, but they will also never experience the thrill, the joy, the exhilaration of succeeding. Risk-takers get hurt, they get wounded, and they can in fact fail, but they’re the only ones who know what true victory and triumph mean. And they’re the only ones who will truly know what falling in love with another person or with life truly brings.

I guess I am being a runner now. I crave love but I never let my walls down to love someone. I crave intimacy but I shy away when someone shows me affection. I crave permanence but I end things before anything took root. I detest getting hurt but only let myself find love in doomed places. I am the largest walking contradiction I know. I am a coward.

I long for the day that somehow, I am willing to take chances again- that I can finally get out from the ghostly memories of my past, and be willing to commit myself fully to another relationship, whatever it takes.

My Rhinoplasty Journey

I may be one of the first few people who has the audacity to tell to the world that- yes, nagpagawa ako ng ilong! Haha :p I don’t want to sound like bragging or super proud of it, but when I am being asked, I politely just tell them the truth. I had been longing for this rightful time to come ever since I was quite young, and it finally came. So the big question was this- when did all this yearning to have a rhinoplasty start?

Basically, I had been dreaming to have my nose surgically altered since when I was in my highschool years. My nose was actually “ok” during the pre-rhino era, it has a bridge (thankfully, allowing me to wear eyeglasses without them sliding down on my face!), but the problem lies on my big alae (the lower part of the nose, enclosing the nostrils) and a not so pointed (or rounded at that) and unrefined tip. It always looked big in pictures whenever I flash on my million dollar smile. Honestly, it’s really not that scene stealing, but I was really annoyed by the fact that my face would have looked much better had my nose been in proper proportion with my face. But, being on my highschool year (a minor at that) left all my dreams for my nose hanging and suspended in midair temporarily until I reach the rightful age, time, courage, and of course, the resources which are all needed to make this dream into a reality.

I actually never thought of having a rhinoplasty this soon not until my senior year in medschool. Maybe all the tortures and rigors of clerkship made me into realizing that I needed that much needed make over whenever I see my reflection in the mirror every after a 36 hours duty. I wanted to reward myself after graduating. And instead of asking for a huge and special present for my graduation, I, without having second thoughts, asked for this one.

Of course, one of the perks of being in the medical field is that you get to enjoy some privileges- like discounts on professional fees. I was referred to a plastic surgeon by my mentor/friend general surgeon-who happened to be the first person I confided in about my plans of getting a rhinoplasty. I had my pre-op consultation a month before my graduation and had everything scheduled indefinitely after the supposed grad date. However, for the scheduling part, it didn’t help that the plastic surgeon had to go on a vacation leave for the whole month of May (I originally planned to have it on the first week of May), leaving me with no choice but to have the operation scheduled on the day after my graduation-yeah right, I missed all the fun that I was supposed to enjoy on the night after the ceremonies- I was even put on NPO (nothing per orem, meaning you are not allowed to eat and drink anything the midnight before the operation), and that really sucked, but I have to deal with it, tiis ganda as they say.

So on the morning of the 29^th of April, my rhinoplasty dream became a reality. The operation went well, lasted for approximately 3 hours. It was really weird at first, because I am used to seeing patients on their OR gowns as I lay them gingerly on the OR bed- this time, there had been switching of roles. I never thought of it at first not until I was lying in there, with my eyes wide open, looking directly to the overhead OR lights, the sound made by the pulse oximeter, the smell of cidex, etc. It was pandemonium! Thankfully, the Midazolam tablet (yes, I swallowed not half, but the whole tablet, haha) worked its wonders immediately. Everything was only under local anesthesia (well you basically have a choice to have everything being done while you are fast asleep, with the help of IV sedating medications, but that would entail another added cost as you are going to have an anesthesiologist added to the team, and would cost you around an additional of 15-20,000 pesos. So, yeah, I could pretty handle myself well.haha)

In the immediate post-op, as expected, there was a little bit of pain, albeit tolerable. And you have your painkillers with you so that wouldn’t be much of a big deal. However, it was the breathing part which made everything worse, due to the fact that I now had narrower nostrils (they did an alarplasty, google on it) and there were packings and tapes all over my face which blocked all my chances to normally breathe through my nose. I wasn’t able to talk properly (as expected), and my lips were drying out because I was left with only my mouth to breathe. Everything was working perfectly fine then, so I breathed a sigh of relief and told myself- ‘finally, it’s done’.

Facial swelling became much worse on the 2^nd-4^th day, and there were occasions that when I inadvertently lean forward (a big no no post-rhinoplasty), there would just be bleeding all over. It was frustrating and alarming at first, but I got used to it. So I desperately tried to live my life in normalcy as days went by.

Probably, the only thing that I failed to fully comprehend before I decided to have rhinoplasty was the downtime after the surgery. Surely, there had been some minor improvements from the day of the surgery up until today (I’m on my 5^th week post op btw). However, the changes were not that drastic prompting praises-well, just yet. I naively thought that the effects of a nosejob can be enjoyed right after, if not, few weeks after the operation. I was wrong. The literatures/books (and even my surgeon) say that the full effects of a rhinoplasty won’t be evident until 6 months to a year after surgery, for the swelling, especially on the tip part (I had tipplasty btw), would resolve for a longer period of time. In fact today, it still feels hard and looks unrefined, and I can’t even touch it because it still hurts. And now the bulbous tip ruins everything whenever I smile because it looks odd and unnatural. Perhaps, all surgeries have their downtime, and cosmetic surgery is not spared on this. I can safely say that my rhinoplasty journey hasn’t officially ended just yet.

So for now, I try my very (very) best to remain patient and see if the rhinoplasty will deliver its promises. Some people who know me personally may be asking why the heck have I subjected myself to this procedure when my nose was basically ok to start with. Believe me, I have asked this question a couple of times already, and I always end up with a quite perplexing yet a reality-based answer. “It was in my bucket list”, I told to them. “I wanted to fulfill that dream of having a rhino for once in my life. I don’t want to die with what ifs.” It may really sound cliché-ish and unconvincing, but I really wanted to look and feel good-for myself, not to please others. I did not do this to fit in in a society where everything is judged based on how you look. I was just fulfilling a childhood dream, and I thank the good Lord that stars have aligned to finally turn this dream into a reality.

PS: I won’t be posting in here the cost of my rhinoplasty experience (btw, I had an Open Rhinoplasty, with Tipplasty and Alarplasty) But just in case you wanna know, please comment here and I will respond. Hope this blogpost helps those who are planning to have rhinoplasty soon. God bless you on your journey!

This was me pre-rhino era. As you can see, the bridge was ok, but my nasal alae were flaring and the tip was unrefined.

Immediate post op. I can't believe I'm posting this. haha

One week post-op

This was one month post op-worm's eye view. The nares look amazing when viewed underneath. This was because the tip was elevated via a cartilage graft.

This is the front view, one month post-op. It kinda looks unnatural because of the still-bulbuos tip.My upper lip also feels numb and has reduced mobilization. This is quite an expected result up until few months post op.