A Panacea for a Perplexed Mind

*April 14, 2012- 11:45 pm

I am lying here in my bed now, staring blankly at the wall while my thoughts seem to be pouring forth out of my subconscious mind and are likely to run in circles again. Few more weeks before the start of the arduous journey of medschool, and here I am, still in a quandary brought about by the unsettling fear of what might happen en route. The long and seemingly interminable wait may have run its course, but the real battle hasn’t really started yet.

On Wednesday, I will be heading to AUF for the psych exam. I am anticipating questions like ‘Do you really want to become a doctor?’ and ‘Do you think you have what it takes to endure the hardships of medschool?’ so on and so forth. As I tried to formulate and rehearse my stereotyped answers to these seemingly simple questions, the vagueness of my answers caught up with me. And a plethora of fears materialized out of thin air.

I fear that entering medschool may consume a mammoth percentage of my stay here on earth. After braving five years inside the academe, you are yet to have at least two more years of residency for your specialization, which perfectly explains why medschool is really a perpetual study. Once again, my social life, which is practically minimal to start with, will be cut off much more. I must admit I frequently found myself questioning if I really want to become a doctor, if all the sleepless nights, missed family gatherings, night outs and catch ups are worth sacrificing. I dread that I may become too busy poring over books that when I raise my head, I find that so many things have changed, and I constantly have to reorient myself to how life is proceeding in the real world.

Of course, time and resources go hand in hand. Hordes of money will be painfully spent for me to hop on to the next level. Though I was given a scholarship grant because I graduated with Latin honors in my pre-med course, still, I am quite uncertain if I will be able to maintain an average beyond what is set for me to still enjoy this privilege. Meanwhile, years of being a full-fledged consultant don’t necessarily guarantee a breakeven, unless you work really really hard.

A deviated state of well being can also be a great impediment. Most of the time, I tend to ignore the need for sleep to keep up with all the demands of school, only to find myself being hospitalized in the end  because of ailments that could have been prevented had I taken necessary care for my body. Perhaps, this destructive yet preventable act of self-annihilation can be put into practice again as I brave the hurdles of medschool.

Being unable to live up to the expectations of those people around me is also foreboding. From all the distinctions or accolades that I have fairly achieved, everyone may perceive that I am a real achiever, more than able to conquer whatever hefty, and sometimes, unpalatable servings that medschool has to offer to its students. But what if they are mistaken? How will they react if they found out that I am flunking exams than what my two hands can count?

I think it's normal for a person to have these ruminations especially if he or she is on the verge of a life-changing transition with far-reaching outcomes. I can’t categorically say that this certain type of disconcerting phenomenon is healthy, because talking on a psychological side, it is not. A mere thought of it leaves you helplessly perplexed and baffled. If it's any consolation, I still have few more weeks to have this cloud of doubts settled from being suspended mid air. One thing’s for sure- I really wanted to become a doctor, and I am more than willing to take the odds.

After spending few more weeks in a relaxation frenzy, I will be entering medschool with a rekindled fire to put myself through whatever mad-rough drive medschool has to offer. It may be a painful pill to swallow, but the good, valuable things in life rarely come in neat, just-open-and –enjoy packages. Someday, I know all the effort and sacrifices will have its use, and until that day comes, when I finally gaze into the picture where the pieces have finally come together, I will make that decision of becoming a medical doctor everyday.