*April 14, 2012- 11:45 pm
I am lying here in my bed now, staring blankly at the wall while my thoughts seem to be pouring forth out of my subconscious mind and are likely to run in circles again. Few more weeks before the start of the arduous journey of medschool, and here I am, still in a quandary brought about by the unsettling fear of what might happen en route. The long and seemingly interminable wait may have run its course, but the real battle hasn’t really started yet.
On Wednesday, I will be heading
to AUF for the psych exam. I am anticipating questions like ‘Do you really
want to become a doctor?’ and ‘Do you think you have what it takes to endure
the hardships of medschool?’ so on and so forth. As I tried to formulate and
rehearse my stereotyped answers to these seemingly simple questions, the
vagueness of my answers caught up with me. And a plethora of fears materialized
out of thin air.
I fear that entering medschool
may consume a mammoth percentage of my stay here on earth. After braving five
years inside the academe, you are yet to have at least two more years of
residency for your specialization, which perfectly explains why medschool is
really a perpetual study. Once again, my social life, which is practically
minimal to start with, will be cut off much more. I must admit I frequently
found myself questioning if I really want to become a doctor, if all the
sleepless nights, missed family gatherings, night outs and catch ups are worth
sacrificing. I dread that I may become too busy poring over books that when I
raise my head, I find that so many things have changed, and I constantly have
to reorient myself to how life is proceeding in the real world.
Of course, time and resources go
hand in hand. Hordes of money will be painfully spent for me to hop on to the
next level. Though I was given a scholarship grant because I graduated with
Latin honors in my pre-med course, still, I am quite uncertain if I will be
able to maintain an average beyond what is set for me to still enjoy this
privilege. Meanwhile, years of being a full-fledged consultant don’t necessarily
guarantee a breakeven, unless you work really really hard.
A deviated state of well being
can also be a great impediment. Most of the time, I tend to ignore the need for
sleep to keep up with all the demands of school, only to find myself being hospitalized in the end because of ailments that could have been prevented had I
taken necessary care for my body. Perhaps, this destructive yet preventable act
of self-annihilation can be put into practice again as I brave the hurdles of
medschool.
Being unable to live up to the expectations
of those people around me is also foreboding. From all the distinctions or
accolades that I have fairly achieved, everyone may perceive that I am a real achiever,
more than able to conquer whatever hefty, and sometimes, unpalatable servings
that medschool has to offer to its students. But what if they are mistaken? How
will they react if they found out that I am flunking exams than what my two
hands can count?
I think it's normal for a person
to have these ruminations especially if he or she is on the verge of a
life-changing transition with far-reaching outcomes. I can’t categorically say
that this certain type of disconcerting phenomenon is healthy, because talking
on a psychological side, it is not. A mere thought of it leaves you helplessly
perplexed and baffled. If it's any consolation, I still have few more weeks to
have this cloud of doubts settled from being suspended mid air. One thing’s for
sure- I really wanted to become a doctor, and I am more than willing to take the
odds.
After spending few more weeks in a
relaxation frenzy, I will be entering medschool with a rekindled fire to put
myself through whatever mad-rough drive medschool has to offer. It may be a
painful pill to swallow, but the good, valuable things in life rarely come in
neat, just-open-and –enjoy packages. Someday, I know all the effort and
sacrifices will have its use, and until that day comes, when I finally gaze
into the picture where the pieces have finally come together, I will make that
decision of becoming a medical doctor everyday.
