Back, from Outer Space!

Finally! I'm back to my old love- writing blogposts! Two months before the post-grad internship starts! (oh wait, one month already out, and I don't want to reevaluate on how productive that month was haha). Finally had some degree of normalcy in my life after being burned alive with junior internship (certainly one of the phases of my life that I wouldn't dare to experience again). Now I am bound to trudge a definitely more challenging phase of my medical career, and lately I have been asking myself constantly if I am really ready to go out there with my white coat and stethoscope. But hey, I had 4 years in med school- I think I have mustered more than enough knowledge, skills, the right attitude, and of course, the confidence, for me to be able to do what is expected of me to do. Surely the uncertainty is there, but who knows? Maybe, I really can. haha

finally, a white coat with my name embroidered on it.

Cause what if I never love again?

It's been 5 months. And this song still brings tears to my eyes..


ALL I ASK
By: Adele


I will leave my heart at the door
I won't say a word...
They've all been said before, you know
So why don't we just play pretend
Like we're not scared of what is coming next or scared of having nothing left!

Look, don't get me wrong
I know there is no tomorrow
All I ask is...

If this is my last night with you
Hold me like I'm more than just a friend
Give me a memory I can use
Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do
It matters how this ends
'Cause what if I never love again?

I don't need your honesty
It's already in your eyes and I'm sure my eyes, they speak for me
No one knows me like you do
And since you're the only one that matters
Tell me who do I run to?

Look, don't get me wrong!
I know there is no tomorrow
All I ask is

If this is my last night with you
Hold me like I'm more than just a friend
Give me a memory I can use
Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do
It matters how this ends
Cause what if I never love again?

Let this be our lesson in love
Let this be the way we remember us
I don't wanna be cruel or vicious
And I ain't asking for forgiveness
All I ask is...

If this is my last night with you
Hold me like I'm more than just a friend
Give me a memory I can use
Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do
It matters how this ends

'Cause what if I never love again?

Hello. It's me.

Hello..

How are you holding up, my dear self? It's been two months since your heart was torn into pieces. Has it healed already? 

I'm sorry I have to put you through this. My heart aches whenever I see you staring blankly at the window, wondering what's on your mind-though I'm damn sure it's always a painful thought. I see that struggle when you push

yourself to live life how it should be. I witness all those charades, and those make-believe moments. I can sense the difficulty of you trying so desperately to make that smile last on your face at least for a day. You look like a fool when you try to make the people around you believe that you are 100% ok, when in reality, you are damn shattered inside. I get that weird feeling when you feel like you are helplessly suspended in mid-air, with no purchase on the ground far below. I know that each time you put on those headphones, it's always that Adele album that lulls you to a deep sea of sadness. There will always be that special song that once you get to hear it, all of the emotions locked inside will just emancipate like a dam bursting open. And you just breakdown, and cry.

I am seeing everything, and it pains me to see you do those stupid things over and over again.

As they say, time heals all wounds. But will we ever get there? 

Picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers.

Leaving the community medicine rotation today with a heavy heart. Aside from the fact that I got to enjoy things that I badly missed doing when in hospital rotations, it was also in this rotation when I lost my more-than 3 year-relationship with my partner. It was a torture waking up each day knowing that there are some things that you both used doing for the past years that you just can’t do now, something that you once thought you can’t live without-and then reality brutally strikes back at you.  All along, I had thought that the word “heartbreak” was just a metaphor to describe deep sadness. I didn’t realize it was an actual descriptor. That person who promised he would never let me get hurt, who said he would always be there for me, whom I trusted with all my heart. He turned out to be the same person who hurt me the most. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be unaffected despite what happened. No pity parties, no sob stories. I was no sap.           

I wanted to stand up tall and overcome whatever was before me. And for the most part, I did. On the outside, I dealt with it very well., appearing unfazed. I seemingly moved on with little downtime. But inside me, was a little boy; small, vulnerable, angry and hurt. I was crushed. As much as I tried to be strong, I couldn’t stop myself from crying.

Trying not to be overly nostalgic of the memories and f*cked up what if’s was like setting fire to the rain. But eventually, I went an hour without thinking of them, then a few hours, then a day, then a week.

Yet, a part of me still thinks about him. This tend to arise in certain moments, such as when I am by myself, when my friends talk about their relationships, when I see couples together, or when I am down. I would think back about the past, and the times we were together. Thinking about him would trigger different emotions. Sweetness and nostalgia from the happy times. Confusion over why exactly he acted that way. Frustration, sadness and disappointment from how things turned out. Regret over what could have been. Hatred for how he dealt with the situation and breaking me on the inside. Over time, these emotions had dried out into numbness.

Perhaps, to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. The final closure I needed was with myself. Looking back, it has been a long journey these past 3 years. A journey filled with happiness, hope, sadness, self-hate, and at the end of it, deep revelations, growth and an all new self-awareness. I have realized that whenever we refuse to move on, we prevent new things from entering into our life. The one’s we are punishing isn’t the other person, but ourselves. When we let go of the past, we are in essence allowing new things to enter into our lives. If we want to attract new possibilities, we need to first release the old baggage we are hanging on to. It’s never too late to start afresh.

When two lovers finally decided to part ways, their promise of forever doesn’t necessarily end up just like that, for the romantic memories of their yesterday will surely linger within their hearts and minds forever-just like a tattoo.

Clerkship, at long last!

Yes! After braving hundreds of storms during my 3 years in med proper, here I am, days away from clerkship. It's the time when we get to practice every single theory we learned inside the classroom to real life patients. Just the idea that we will be left on our own inside the hospital doing our thing just makes me wanna puke out of excitement and apprehensions. I fear that the knowledge I have inside my already worn-out brain may not be enough to get me thru it. I still don't know if I am really capable enough to handle all the stresses, physical exhaustion, plus the humiliation that I might be entitled of from doctors and patients alike. Clerkship also signals the time when hospitals become home, and the examination table becomes the sleeping bed. I may not be able to predict fully what would happen in the next couple of months, but I am dead sure that it will really be a life-changing experience. I still have a year for me to to prove to everyone that I am worthy to be called a doctor, one who is competent enough and is compassionate to the sick and needy.

Enjoying Summer of 2014 the Aussie Way!

Travelling has always been a personal passion. It somehow gives you a temporary respite from the demanding world you are into at the moment. I remember myself having experienced boarding on airplanes at a very young age (I was like 9 years old back then I think). Our family has developed an immense love for local travel, touring from north to south of the country. Meanwhile, I haven't had experienced travelling abroad until summer of 2014.

My Aunt who was residing in Australia for almost two decades now with her family gave me the most exciting gift one could ever receive- the chance of an international travel! It had given me goosebumps all over my body as soon as I found out about this one. However, the excitement turned into a pressing apprehension- The thought of me travelling alone in a foreign land. Worse, it was going to be a lot of firsts- First travel abroad, first travel alone, and definitely the first time ever of being away from the comforts of home and my family.

Securing an Australian visa was the first hurdle I braved. Surely, it wouldn't be served on you on a silver platter- with all the documents, stamps, certificates and all related stuff that you need to provide, I could have easily succumbed to giving up, knowing that I was also being bombarded with all the demands of medschool back then. But because I really wanted it to happen, everything went into place. Then voila, the visa to travel to Australia was granted last mid of April.

As soon as my (loving) aunt received the notice of the visa grant, she went straight to Flight Centre to book my flight. It was a direct flight from Manila to Melbourne, via PAL. I left Manila at 10 in the evening of April 29, and safely arrived in Melbourne International Airport at almost 8 (local time) in the morning of the following day (torturing 8 hours flight, 0 min sleep).

The very first picture I got as soon as I arrived in Australia

I stayed in the comforts of my aunt's residence in Melbourne, Australia for 20 days. With my aunt always on my side serving as my tour guide, we got to visit different wineries, see a Roo and a fluffy koala at their local zoo, dine in fancy restaurants, and get a glimpse of the busy streets of Melbourne City. 

with my loving tita Tessie pigging out at China Bar Asia Buffet

a very fluffy koala! 

This is the closest I could get to it. It might punch me.

My ever dependable cousin, Kate. My lakwatsa pal!

Panoramic view of Melbourne City

Bird's eye view of the City via the Eureka Skydeck

Striking a pose at the famous Flinders Street Station, Melbourne City

at Chateau Yering- a winery

at Vue on Halcyon winery, having eggs benedict for breakfast.

Dinner with Tita at Lindos

Lost at Flinders Street Station

Eureka Skydeck experience!

Steavensons Falls with Tita Tess and Uncle Jack

Shrine of Remembrance, Melbourne City

Death by chocolate- at Yarra Valley Chocolaterie

Vineyards at Chandon Greenpoint winery

At Healesville Sanctuary

Taken on the day of my departure at Melbourne International Airport, May 18, 2014

I couldn't thank my tita Tess enough for letting me experience such a luxury. This once-in-a-lifetime opportunity will surely be kept in my memory wherever I go. This experience sparked my interest even more for travelling, which was left lying idle for years now.  It will undeniably serve as an empowering motivation to better my studies so as to increase my chances of experiencing this luxury again in the near future. 

'til the next escapade! :p

Safe travels!

Day 2- What's love without tragedy?

Since yesterday, I always experience these acute attacks of apnea-like sensation every time I remember how me and my partner had ended up. It kind of feels like the mechanics of my own breathing now demanded conscious awareness and ceased from working involuntarily, making each cycle of ventilation a pain in the ass. These feelings seem to consume me, like gush of water bursting open into the dam. I was helplessly caught off guard. I honestly didn't see this coming. 

What really haunts me is the fact that I'm going to live my life now without him on it. We were too ambitious to plan on getting to places since we both love to travel, not knowing that our relationship was approaching its dusk already. What about the movies that we planned to watch? The family gatherings that we both vowed to attend together? The words of infinite love which were left unspoken? The promised obligation that we will be taking care of each other no matter what happens? Too late. 

Hey. Don't dream, it's over. 

I haven't heard from him since this morning. And it kills me.