Too many thoughts running in circles at the back of my head
as I lay beside you in that warm and comforting bed we shared yesterday night.
I know that you knew there was something wrong because my body language was
telling you something was not right and it was basically all over the place. As
I stared at your innocent face last night while you were sleeping, I painfully
acknowledged the easiest solution to my pressing apprehensions.
We have had communication for quite some time now and not a single day
passed without a good morning text from you. For the first time in forever
(after I became single), I finally was able to feel that feeling once more. I
wanted to be always with you every hour, every minute. Everything about you was
just too sexy to resist. I loved how you patiently listened to my stories and
rants and how you desperately kept on showing me your interest in every story I
say. You simply are the best description of what I want my next partner to be.
I hope you knew how hard I tried to forget the exact words
you told me at Day 1- that you are not into relationships. You just needed
company. The idea of meeting new people, get to know their personal lives and
some other related stuff excite you, and being emotionally attached to somebody
is the least of your priority. But being an extremely emotional person, I must admit
that I was taken aback initially, knowing that this kind of game is exactly not
what I am good at. But of course, I fell down the rabbit hole and tried to do
casual dating with you. I desperately looked for ways on how I can go deeper to
your soul, and eventually my efforts have failed altogether. I was too naïve to
think I could change your mind. I was so ignorant to think that I could be the
one to masterfully change the course of ‘casual’ dating. My ‘text him even if
you’re damn busy’ scheme didn’t work on you. My humor and wit didn’t change
your mind. And no matter how good I looked, you are not going to ask me if it’s
going to be ok if you will call me yours.
I am sorry if I can’t prevent myself from expecting too much
from this casual relationship. It’s entirely not your fault that I fell for
you, when you told me from the very start that you didn’t want to be serious. After
I texted you that seemingly harmless message of me thanking you for a wonderful
night, I braved a hundred storm just to have your mobile number, Facebook and
Viber blocked and deleted altogether. I had to put all the lines disconnected
because my attempt at forgetting everything about you will definitely fail with
just one text coming from you. I am sorry I had to painfully leave you this way. I opted not to tell you about this escape plan to spare you from all the unnecessary dramas, to which you have told me you are not fond of facing in the first place. Having
experienced the pain of falling in and out of love before has taught me on how
to save myself from another impending yet preventable major heartache. I needed to save
myself. I was being cruel to be kind.
You will be a constant reminder that casual relationship is
not my cup of tea. It’s really not for me. I refuse to be the one tossed aside
for other people to have their cake and eat it too. I refused to be on the
sidelines. The heartache wasn’t worth it. The waiting game wasn’t worth it.
None of it was.
I hope you get to read this letter one day, when my smile is the
only thing you could ever remember of me.
